my mind-issues, again. skip it anytime you want.

I almost forgot I have a blog.
I'm feeling just so.. lost & frustrated now.
I don't know what I've to do & what I've to say.
I don't even know who to share with cause' I don't really know the right person to run to.
I'm afraid & without me notice I draw a line between me & other people.
I laugh, I hang out, I play, I have fun, I enjoy, I listen, I share, I'm happy.
but I don't share privacy or any emotional problems or mental disorder stuffs.
well I'm 'healthy' not really a mental disorder patient, but I'm a 'mind disorder' person.

I don't know what is it that I don't know what I'm thinking that affect my mood that drop me to the lowest ground of happiness that make me so lost & confused that make me feel afraid & so insecure that make me lose my mind that make me keep everything for myself that make me want to be nowhere but alone that make me do shits that will make me push people away.

I'm in a not-comfortable-mood to be surrounded by people, I'm not a lonely loner, but I'm in my alone-mood.
sometimes I wanna share things,
but I don't see people that will truly care about my problem, since it's my business not theirs.
& I don't find any people whose mind is mature & calm enough to listen, understand & digest of what I'm going to say.
& I don't see any competent people's reaction that will not make me feel offensive when I'm story-telling.
& I don't know stranger who's trust-worthy enough to listen, comfort, advice, forget, & keep it to him/herself, cause as I know, world is so small, everyone could be related & hard to trust stranger in my world.
& I don't have any shelter to rely-on in every moments in my life.
& I don't think I might be able to share cause I know I don't know how to talk or share about my weirdness of translating what I'm thinking & my emotion in words.
& I haven't found person who can think like what I'm thinking, see as I see the world, understand without me translate & notice without me saying. & I know that person doesn't exist in any dimension of life circles or planets.
see my problem, my problem is understandable , simple but complex, definable but never out from my mouth.

I can see the problem is in me,
& the main problem is me.
I can help & I need a help but I don't want any help.
It's me, It's just the way I am.
I'm confusing, yes.

I do believe of fate but I don't believe in arranged fate.
I think we won't have what we have if what we can do is just to look at it.
we see or meet what we have is fate, but to have it is depends on us.
what's your effort, why you don't give up, who's worth it, when is the right time, & how you act right.
something from above is wrong when you don't get the things or the person you want. you just don't notice it. so I remind you, whoever read this, so you might understand when you don't understand why.
okay, once again I'm changing the topic without me notice.
there's nothing about me that has to do with those fate stuffs.
all I do is type.
& type.
& type.
type.

when my mind is empty.
I don't know what to write.
so chao, adios !